I remember back when I started this blog - I did so knowing that no one would read it. I did so as a means to let go and put some of my thoughts down on paper (or the web) and not worry about embarassing myself or feeling exposed in front of so many people, because franky back then, no one really read my blog since no one knew about it. But now that this blog is read by so many people, and I know you are out there because I can see it from the logs, I have been feeling a little afraid to say things like I used to. I really used to blurt out my feelings and in some funny weird way - it helped me cope. So Im gonna get back to that, because I really dont give a shit…

Ive been in this funk for the most part of this year. The funk where I dont feel like going out, dont feel like meeting any friends or being with anyone but myself. Im calling it a funk because I really hope thats what it is. I remember back about two years ago you couldnt find me at home - I would always be out, meeting people and flirting and being generall obnoxius… Someone took that Faisal and replaced him with this loser that I feel I have become now. I hardly go out - I hardly try to make an effort to meet new people and Ive been single because of that for way too long. I feel depressed all the time and I cant seem to get out of it…

At first I thought it was a phase and that this is another part of the Turning 30 episode. But this goes back to about January of this year. Ive tried many things to keep myself occupied. Working long hours. Spending way too much time making friskyRadio into what it has become in just a few months (now you know why), taking more and more experimental photographs and trying to improve my photography, working out, saving money and spending some. I have even tried to look beyond me and help the needy. I helped out in a local homeless shelter about a month ago - and Im ashamed to say that I did it for the wrong reasons: to cheer myself up rather than to help the needy. I felt that if I could surround myself with the homeless, I would see how much good stuff I have going on in my life and that I would feel happier - if even for a day.

I know this may only be a funk - and it may only be a part of growing up - but damnit this sucks. I hate feeling this way. I hate thinking the things I think about. I hate what I have become.