Dear Tom Cruise,

We get it. You’re in love. Good for you mate. But could take it easy with the crazy talk and the schenanegans?? I mean seriously, what are you trying to prove? There’s a word that describes what you are doing at the moment - pussy whipped. Its not cool and it certainly makes us cancerians look bad. Everyone knows that when us Cancers fall in love, we really fall in love head over heels… and often times we arent thinking with our, erm, brains. Katie isnt even that hot man!!! What the fuck are you thinking??? Youre not just crazy in love, but just plain crazy mate. Settle down. Youre 42 now. Act it. Take a cue from Brad’s playbook and act it cool man… Be cool.

p.s. How is that you celebs can get away with getting a bird’s number from her friends or agents and then call her up out of the blue like you did with Katie Holmes? Jessica Alba refuses to return my calls and I think the last time I checked, Angelina Jolie blocked my number after my third call. How do you do it???

p.p.s. I still like Top Gun.